


Can't Replace You

by EternallyEC



Series: In Another Life [2]
Category: Victorious (TV)
Genre: Angst, Cutting, Depression, F/F, Heavy Angst, Self-Harm, Suicide Attempt, alternative ending
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-07
Updated: 2020-05-07
Packaged: 2021-03-03 02:34:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,804
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24047485
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/EternallyEC/pseuds/EternallyEC
Summary: A much darker alternative ending to "My Silent Fears Have Gripped Me" based on what I had started to write before deciding to give them a happy ending. What if Tori never said anything to Jade when she showed up at her house? Can such a simple thing really change events that much?- OR -I'm still fascinated by the butterfly effect and how one little change can change everything.
Relationships: Tori Vega/Jade West
Series: In Another Life [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1734676
Comments: 5
Kudos: 29





	Can't Replace You

**Author's Note:**

> TW: Depression, self-harm, cutting, attempted suicide. Please do not read this if any of these trigger you; take care of yourself and stick with the original ending, please. 
> 
> So... as mentioned in the summary, this was originally intended to be how the second prompt ended. After I posted the story yesterday, I kept thinking and just writing random bits of it on Discord until I had an ending and a near-fully fleshed out story on my hands. I spent a while thinking about it and decided to edit it for clarity and to tie it together a bit more, and here we are. 
> 
> I want to make one more note that this is an ALTERNATIVE ending. It's like choose your own adventure but the choices are (mostly positive) hurt/comfort or massive angst. I just had to get this out of my system.

Jade stared at the girl in her arms, wondering when in the hell they'd gotten so lost. 

Tori had hardly said a word after stumbling in through her window, begging Jade to hold her and, despite her heartbreak and anger, her resolve had crumbled at the sight of the brunette in tears. 

Pulling her into the bed, she wrapped her arms around her and pulled her trembling body close. Tori buried her face in Jade’s chest as she cried and Jade did everything she could to physically reassure her. No words had been spoken and soon, Tori's body relaxed and her breathing slowed and Jade knew she was asleep. 

She tried to stay up, not wanting to lose a second of the first and only night like this she'd ever have, but she lost the battle just before sunrise. 

When she woke, Tori was gone. 

Jade didn't see her again, although as she waited for boarding to begin at the airport, she thought she saw a familiar figure watching from a distance. But when she turned, she didn't see anyone and she sighed, hating herself for having dared hope. 

She had no way of knowing that Tori had been stopped by security and escorted away from the area, her last hope of rectifying her mistake going down the drain as Jade boarded the plane.

Tori went home absolutely devastated after she failed to catch Jade at the airport. With nothing but distance and time stretching out before her, she went into her room and halfheartedly started attempting to write a song, thinking that she could record herself and send it to Jade as a way to open conversation between them. Deep down, she knew that the damage she’d done was irreparable but she just had to try.

The song soon took off and just as she finished the last line, there was a knock on the door. Tori frowned, adjusting her glasses at the strange knock, her heart thumping erratically in her chest as a sense of dread settled in the pit of her stomach.

Something is wrong. 

"Tori, open the door!" Trina's voice rang out, sounding strange. It almost sounds like she'd been crying but that's impossible. Trina never cries, not even when she'd stolen Tori's Cuddle Me Cathy doll when they were kids and Tori had hit her with one of David's hammers. She hadn’t even cried when they’d stitched the wound up. 

Her dread grew with every step she took and she gasped when she finally opened the door to see Trina with tears streaming down her face. "Oh, Tori!" She immediately wrapped her in a hug. 

"Trina? What's wrong?"

"It's... it's Jade," she sniffled. "Her plane crashed and it doesn't look good, Tori. They don't think anyone survived." 

Tori's heart stopped beating in that moment, she'd swear it anywhere, and her whole world went numb. 

Jade was dead. Jade had died thinking that Tori didn't care about her anymore, that she'd broken up with her (and no, she didn't care that they weren't in a relationship, she knows what she did) and that Tori had turned out to be one more person who hadn't stuck around. 

She’d died thinking that she wasn’t enough for yet another person she loved.

She was only vaguely aware of the inhumane sound in the room and it wasn't until Trina's voice cut through the fog that she realized it was coming from her. 

Tori wore all black to Jade's funeral. She sang the song she'd hoped to use to win her back as her eulogy.

Tori's life went off the rails after Jade's death. She spiraled hard but didn't show it, somehow keeping up the façade of the bright, optimistic girl she'd been before while she went home and sobbed and wished she had been the one to die instead. 

It seemed like such a cruel joke, her breaking both of their hearts so that Jade could achieve her dreams, only for her to die on the plane taking her to do just that. It seemed even crueler wondering if Jade would have stayed if she’d asked, if she’d been selfish for  _ once  _ in her damn life and asked for something for herself. 

Jade's parents had given her a small necklace with some of Jade's ashes and she wore it all the time. It weighed heavy around her neck, a reminder of what she’d done as well as reminding her of the necklace she'd given to Jade after their fake date. 

She’d just wanted Jade to admit that they were friends, but she knew the words would be difficult. And so, as they’d left Nozu’s and lingered by Jade’s car, she’d unclasped her favorite necklace and put it around Jade’s neck, surprised at her boldness and Jade’s lack of protest as she clasped it and watched it settle on her chest. 

The necklace hadn't been in Jade's room, she'd asked. And it gave her a bit of comfort to hope that maybe Jade had been wearing it. At the very least, it had to be a good sign that she'd taken it with her. 

But it doesn't matter anymore, she thought as her shoulders slumped, staring at the pair of scissors in front of her. 

They were Jade’s special scissors, the one from her favorite movie that Tori had scared herself silly with too many times to count since Jade’s… since the crash. Jade’s mother had actually given them to Cat, but the subdued redhead had insisted Tori take them instead. 

As she snipped at the air with the sharp blades, she gave a grim smile and wondered what Cat would think of what she used the thoughtful gift for. 

Working out of her jeans, she paused to look at her reflection as she revealed the scars and still-healing wounds that marked her thighs. Kicking the jeans off, she settled on the floor of the bathroom with her back to the door.

Pressing one sharp blade against an unmarked patch of skin, she hissed with pain and relief as it immediately drew blood. 

This was her penance and her relief, her way of managing the guilt and the pain she felt over Jade's death. She knows what Jade would say about it, calling her a dumbass and probably slapping some sense into her, but Jade's not here and it's just her and the scissors and the ever-present ache that only subsides when scissors meet tender, unresisting skin. 

It's fucked up but it's the only relief Tori knows and she takes it gladly.

She can’t even think about how it lets her feel closer to Jade somehow, seeing her blood on the blades of her favorite scissors. That’s too fucked up even for her.

~

Trina's the only person who seems to notice anything is wrong and, as usual, everyone dismisses her. 

It's not until the day she finds Tori passed out on the bathroom floor, all of her cuts in various stages of healing on display, that anyone realizes how wrong they were. 

Somehow, Tori pulls through despite her severe blood loss and intense desire to die, leaving her longing for another chance. But now, finally, her parents and friends are paying attention and she isn't given that chance. 

Slowly, as the months pass, she began to recover. Beck turns out to be the best support she has somehow; though they weren't on the best of terms before Jade had died, they understand each other's grief intimately and though it's not a bond they want to share, it's undeniable. 

On the one year anniversary of the crash, they visit Jade's memorial together. Tori hasn't come since the funeral but she and her therapist had decided it was time for her to face the truth. 

Beck wanders away to give them privacy and Tori sits beside the small plaque that rests above an empty grave. The visit is symbolic of course; Jade had been cremated, another blow to everyone as it had been necessary because of the crash. Tori and her parents all carry her with them, Tori’s piece of her resting beside her heart where she knows Jade will forever be.

But, as her therapist had told her, having a finite place to say her goodbyes and try to leave most of her pain behind would be more beneficial and so here she was, tracing the block letters spelling out the name she'll never call out again. "I've missed you, baby," she whispers, her tears spilling out as she starts to tremble. 

"I'm sorry I didn't come before. I couldn't face you like this and honestly, I just wanted to join you. I know you must be so mad at me," she chuckled, wiping her face with her sleeve. 

"But I promise it won't happen again. I'll never stop missing you or wishing that I hadn't been such a damn coward so that we could have loved each other the way we deserved, but I know that you knew. That's why you took the necklace with you, isn't it?" she smiled sadly. 

“I like to think it was anyway. I hope that you knew I still loved you even though I broke your heart and then left without saying goodbye. You still comforted me that night even though I didn’t deserve it and I wish I’d stayed. I wish that I’d talked to you about it instead of doing what I thought was best for both of us. I know that it probably wouldn’t have changed and you still would have been on that plane, but I just wish that you could have known exactly how much I love you and always will,” she whispered, her tears flowing faster.

"Jade, there's so many things I wish I hadn't said and so many I wish I had. I wish that there was a way I could do everything over again and do them right this time. But I wouldn't trade a second of the time we shared together and I'll never forget you, baby. I love you and I always will, but I promise that I’ll try to move on with my life. I know that’s what you would have wanted" she whispered, pressing a kiss to her fingertips and pressing them to Jade's name. 

Standing up, she gave the empty grave one last, longing look before whispering, "Goodbye." 

She’d swear that she felt lighter already as she walked over to Beck, accepting the tissue he offered and drying her eyes. 

They left the cemetery arm-in-arm, Tori's soul feeling lighter than it had in ages. And for just a moment, Tori imagined that she felt familiar green eyes watching her go and she smiled as a feeling of peace filled her for the first time in over a year. 

Somehow, she knows that she’ll be okay.

**Author's Note:**

> The title is from The One That Got Away by Katy Perry. "Can't replace you with a million rings/I should've told you what you meant to me 'cause now I pay the price" gave me the vibe for this fic as I was looking for a title.


End file.
